Empty

Tuesday morning I wake up with excruciating pain. It feels like my insides are being ripped out of me. I phone the gynae and ask him to prescribe some pain meds. I decide that its best for me to go to work as I cannot bear to be by myself with my own thoughts. I need to be around people where I can feel "normal" again. My body feels empty and in my mind my baby is gone. Although the bleeding (tmi) has not started yet, in my mind its over. I continue experiencing this pulling sensation and all I can think about is that the baby is detaching itself from my womb. With every pull it slowly loosens itself bit by bit. The pain continues and the bleeding starts. By Thursday I can no longer bear the pain having left work early. A hot bottle does nothing to help and I phone a friend and ask her to bring me something stronger.

Four days later I see the gynae and have bled for 6 days with no sign of it letting up. He says that it is necessary for a D & C in order for the bleeding to stop.

Three days later I go into hospital for a small procedure known as an evac (similar to a D & C). Any remains of the baby is removed. I am told bleeding should stop in a couple of days.

The next morning I wake up with severe pain and run for my pain meds. I phone my gynae and am told that it is normal. The pain continues for the entire weekend and my birthday on Saturday 12 July goes by in a blur.

Monday morning I phone the gynae and tell him I cannot take the pain. I am due to see him in three days (a week since my procedure was performed).

Thursday, one week after the Evac he tells me that I have infection hence the pain. I am given pain meds and antibiotics and probiotics. I am confident that I am on the mend.

In the interim I decided to see a psychologist to help me deal with my loss. She says that the pain I am experiencing is in actual fact my body "crying" and I need to do something to help it heal. I decided to plant a rose bush. But before I peform this "cleansing ceremony" I bury a pair of baby socks together with the date my baby was due - 21 February. I cry whilst I do this and in a way I feel better. I have finally expressed my emotions as initially I tried to block it from my mind.

I am consoled by the fact that my baby is not on his or her own as they are in Heaven and will be comforted by my mom.