The journey

The weekend goes by and I remain in a state of shock. I cannot believe it but at the same time I should believe it. My first pregnancy would have been twins so why is this a shock to me? I try reasoning with myself telling myself it will be okay. But will it? I just dont know how?

Morning sickness kicks in and its terrible. Nothing prepared me for it. So it switches to evening sickness and I find myself going to bed around 7:30pm as a) I am exhausted but b) the yucky feeling just wont go away. Fruit seems to be the only thing that I can keep down and it becomes my new supper.

On Christmas Day I break my news. People are thrilled when I tell them I am pregnant but shocked and surprised when I say twins. Their immediate reaction is always "you are so
brave". I somehow think they are missing the plot. I did not choose twins. I only wanted one baby. Hello!!!! I walked down the aisle in Pick 'n Pay reach up to the top shelf and pick one baby boy and one baby girl. I dont think so. What dont these people understand. I did not choose this. God decided for me. I try reasoning with myself, almost willing it to be okay. Positive affirmations. But it does not work. Days roll into weeks. Before I know it its 13 weeks time for my Downs scan. I am nervous because it thought its twins I want them to be healthy. They are and one baby is a boy. Oh flip, I think. What if I have two boys? How will I cope as a single woman. My poor sons wont have a father. Oh please God let the other baby be a girl.

The 16 week scan and my gynae suspects its a girl but cannot be 100%. I will need to wait for the 20 week foetal assessment scan. Gee, more waiting. But before I know it its 20 weeks and its a girl!!!

Yay, at least I have a pigeon pair not that it matters I tell myself. As long as they are healthy. But I still have not excepted that it is twins and as I share my news I say it not fully comprehending what the implications of twins really are. I carry small and people are surprised that there are two babies inside my tummy.

Some days I can handle the idea of twins other days not and deep down I want to cry. I never tell anyone about my fears because everyone knew how desperate I wanted a baby. To admit that I am not thrilled as everyone expects me to be would be terrible. I should be happy. Its a blessing I am told. But internally I am crying. How will I cope financially, emotionally, mentally. I have a two bedroomed townhouse, a two-door car and no facilities for domestic help. Initially I believed I would cope with two babies on my own at night but then I realised it would not be so easy. I would have to have a live-in nanny. More expensive. It is a terrible thing to admit but all I could see was dollar signs. I wanted the best for my children when I used to dream about becoming a parent, as we all do I am sure. Private schools. Only the best. But now, its what I can afford that matters. This was not the picture I had painted. Where did it go wrong?

I suffer from depression and hence the reason I should have gotten help during my pregnancy. I had come off my meds in order to fall pregnant. Looking back my depression was slowly starting and the overwhelming negative thoughts that I was experencing was me slowly spiralling into the pit of depression. I was miserable instead of being happy. At 20 weeks my feet started to swell. It was terrible as I struggled to walk. Eventually I got used to it but around 30 weeks I started waddling. Not because of the weight but due to the fact that my son was pressing into my pelvis area.

Four days before I was due to have my c-section I remember phoning my friend crying saying I could not go through with this anymore. A bit late, my friend she said. I dont think I can do this anymore. I dont want to go through with it. Sorry my friend, she said. Its too late!!!

The night before my c-section I was happy, excited but on the morning of the birth I was sad but for two reasons. One it was time for reality and good-bye to my singlehood and two my mom would not be here to share my joyous experience.

The count down had started.

You must be kidding me?

The night before my first official scan I am excited and nervous - this is it. I have already come further than with my previous pregnancy and all I want to hear is a healthy heartbeat. I clearly remember the heartbeat of my previous baby, that of a baby in distress.

The Friday morning I wake up and a wave of nausea hits me. Oh flip. Morning Sickness. Already this pregnancy is so much different. I drive to hospital where my friend waits for me. We ride up in the lift to the fourth floor.

I leave her in the waiting room and go through to my gynae's surgery where I wait anxiously on the bed. My first official scan. My first question to him is "has the baby grown?" He asks me if I want to hear the good news. What good news I think? Ha. He points to the screen and instead of one pregnancy sac, there are two!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I dont believe it. Twins!!! Two healthy heartbeats. Its a definite. I am in shock. The gynae says "congratulations" and my immediate reaction is to nod. What more can I say? Twins is not part of my plan. Two babies. I wanted one!!! What was God thinking? Did he get my order wrong? Oh my gosh! How am I going to cope? Financially I am only cut out for one baby not two. What now?

I leave his office not on a cloud 9 but in an almost catatonic state. My friend says she cannot believe it. What now Jo she asks me. I say to her I dont know.

The weekend goes past in a haze and I carry on in auto pilot. I am not happy. This is not what I wanted. Am I so wrong to feel this way? Where is my pretty picture with me pushing my one baby around the shops. Me and my little girlie-girl sitting opposite each other in a coffee shop? Me with my cup of coffee in front of me and her with her pink milkshake? All of a sudden I have a different picture in front of me. Me broke, with two babies crying and standing on the side of the road.

Unfortunately, from that moment I switch off and I almost forget that I am carrying two. I carry on as per normal and am pregnant in my mind but with one baby. Big mistake. This all comes back later to haunt me in a terrible way.

And its a ...

Okay so I am due to have my blood test on the Wednesday but by the Monday I just cannot contain myself any longer. I know that I could be letting myself in for a great disappointment but on the other hand...

So I buy a test at the chemist. I go into the toilet and I pee on the stick. And I wait. When I look again, a see that faint second line!!! On my word!!! Can this really be? So I buy a second test the afternoon and I check again. This time its clearer. There is a second line!!!

The next day I buy a third test (yes, I still have my doubts) and the line is even more distinct. Okay, so I am pregnant. On the Wednesday I can hardly contain myself and go and have my blood test. I wait for the call and recognise my gynae's office number by the caller ID. This is it! Congratulations, says the Sister. You are pregnant. She tells me that I need to see the gynae at six weeks and I make an appointment.

The difference this time is that I only share my news with a select few. I will break my good news on Christmas Day I decide when I am a few days short of 12 weeks.

Its great to be pregnant but as any pregnant women will tell you now the worrying starts. Every ache or pain could be the all to familar- it's over. A few days later I wake in the early hours with the aches and pains. I phone one of the few friends I have decided to tell and she fetches me to take me to hospital. I am so fearful. I tell the doctor on call that I am pregnant and inform him about my history. Judging by my urine sample its a UTI (urinary tract infection) but as a precaution suggests I see my gynae. Fortunately my gynae is an early riser and its now 6:00am. I go to his surgery and see him. He does a scan and I get my first picture of my baby (he or she is but a mere sac). There is a baby and that is all confirmation that I need. I am pregnant and my pregnancy is going to be just fine. With my first pregnancy I did not even get a picture so immediately I am reassured that this pregnancy will be different. And that is good. I leave his surgery happy and content. I am due to see him at six weeks to check for the heartbeat.

All systems go

11 September 2008

What a signifcant date. AF has arrived and is 100% back to normal so I am healthy as a horse. I meet with my gynae and is pleased to hear that AF is back to normal. He assures me we can start trying to get me to fall pregnant again.

Pregnant? So soon? I had decided to leave it till after Christmas when I would be less stressed out. But at the same time I am so anxious I can pop. This time around I decide not to tell a soul. Part of the problem for me with my first pregnancy was the fact that everyone knew I was trying. On the one hand it is exciting as you have friends to share your hopes and your fears with. On the other hand people want constant updates. This time around only three people know what I am doing.

AF arrives and for the second time in my life I am so excited to see her. This means that I can start trying again. Yay!!! I decide to keep my original donor. He was good enough the first time and I am confident that he wont disappoint me again. I ask the gynae if it is absolutely necessary that I have to take fertility drugs this time. He assures me yes if I want to fall pregnant.

Although I am excited, I am scared as I dont know what to expect. How long will it take this time? Can I handle the disappointment if I dont fall pregnant? I have no support this time around and am really in it on my own.

The day AF arrives (6 October) I phone my gynae and go to his rooms to fetch my medication. Clomid to be taken on days 3 - 7 and Gonal-F ampules to be administered on days 5, 7 & 9. I am told that I came come to the labour ward at the hospital where the Sister can assist me with administering my Gonal-F.

I am on cloud 9 again. Throughout the following two weeks I come in for regular scans to check on my follicles. On Saturday 18 October I am at my gynae's surgery bright and early. He tells me that I have 7 follicles. Oh my word!!!

I am to come back on Tuesday, 21 October for my first insemination.

On the day I go on my own. I know the drill. Being on my own is a little scary but it is better not to tell too many people. I ask the gynae is the quanity and quality of "my sperm" good and he assures me that it is excellent.

I go back the following day for my second insemination.

All that is left is happy waiting...

The horrible truth

I cannot think about anything else but the fact that I might not be able to have a baby. I even start thinking about adoption.

A week after my surgery I see my gynae. Its question time from my side. I walk into his office after him giving me the all clear. I am so angry with him. How could he not have picked up the baby in the tube? Why did he not rule out an ectopic pregnancy as a cause for my bleeding and pain? What now? What does it mean to only have one fallopian tube?

There is a definite edge in my voice. I hate this man sitting before me. What has he done? Tears build up in my eyes and I swallow them tasting salt. I am so upset. He proceeds to tell me that there was no way of knowing that there was a baby in my tube - for 11 weeks it grew in a tube making my tube its home instead of my uterus.

My gynae continues explaining that I will still have normal periods and the remaining tube will take over the function of the missing tube. So even though my left ovary no longer has a tube into which it can release its egg, the right tube will work on its behalf.

Small consolation for me. I am told that I will need to have AI's still and if anything happens to my remaining tube that IVF would be my only option. I cannot afford IVF. I ask him if there is a way of knowing if there is something wrong with my tube he says that there is no way of knowing if it was damaged.

I leave his office disheartened. I am told to come and see him in a months time.

I make the conscious decision not to talk about babies and erase any thoughts from my mind.

Ha, a little difficult when the finals of the baby competition my shopping centre is hosting is less than a week away!

D - Day

Wednesday, 6 August 2008

I arrive at the hospital just before 14:00 and the routine checks are done - blood pressure, urine, etc.

Approximately 16:00 my gynae arrives and informs me I am going to theatre at 16:30. Yikes so soon, I want my pre-med. I am nervous and worried. What is wrong? What is the fluid behind my uterus? Blood?

I am wheeled into theatre and everyone is talking and joking and I am shaking like a leaf. The anethesist inserts the needle into my arm and then its zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz for me.

I remember waking up with pain and the Sister telling me that I am staying in hospital. I wonder why because my friend is due to fetch me at 20:00. I am told that they were worried about me cause I was in theatre for so long. I look down and my stomach is blown up like a balloon.

An hour later my gynae arrives. He says "my girl you wont be going home. He said I had to remove your left fallopian tube. There was too much blood and the only way to stop the bleeding was to remove your tube. You had an ectopic pregnancy, the baby was growing in your tube". WTF? I was pregnant!!!!!!! It would have been twins!!!! One baby in the uterus but the second baby was growing in my tube. That explained all the pain and the continous bleeding.

I am devastated. My chances of falling pregnant has now been reduced to 50%

My gynae checks up on me daily and after three days I am discharged. I go stay with a friend for two days as I am not able to do much and as I live alone I need someone to help me.

I struggle for days which eventually roll into weeks. I am slowly spiralling into the black pit known as depression. Babies consume my thoughts and the lack of babies even more. How will I ever be able to fulfill my dream of becoming a mother. Now what?

What is going on?

Four days later I am back at my gynae and he assures me all is 100% My uterus is empty - its over now. I am still bleeding (tmi) but am told that it is normal. I need to come back and see my gynae at the start of my next cycle the beginning of August.

A few days later, 1 August.

I am at work when I start experiencing extreme pain. I am a sissy when it comes to pain but this feels like my insides are being ripped out while I am alive. WTF is happening? I take pain meds - nothing, pain persists. I phone my gynae but he is not availble but the receptionist says she will have him phone me. I go to the loo thinking maybe its tummy cramps and its just my bowels doing their thing. I start releasing strange sounds and one of my tenants says, "gee, Jo is that pain or pleasure I am hearing?" If only I tell her. I walk out of the cubicle and she offers to take me to the gynae's rooms. I willingly agree. I am still bleeding and this is since the start of my MC (27 June - 1 August).

I lie on the bed in his consulting room when he walks in. He is surprised to see me. He performs an internal and he says "you are bus aborting". Aborting what I ask? My endometrim he says. oh well, more pain meds. He asks to see me on Tuesday.

The pain meds do help and I feel relatively "normal". Tuesday I am back in his rooms. Bleeding still persisting. He does a scan. His response, "their is fluid behind your uterus. I need to find out what it is. We need to do a laporoscopy, hysteroscopy and a D & C." The Sister tells me she will phone me when the procedures are due to take place. Later the same day she tells me I am scheduled to be in theatre the next day, Wednesday, 6 August. Procedures to be done at 17:00.
Lovely!

Oddly, my gynae requests blood tests. Why odd? He requests a Beta HCG. Hmm, why I Beta HCG. I am not pregnant? What is happening to my body? If only I knew what was still to come.

Empty

Tuesday morning I wake up with excruciating pain. It feels like my insides are being ripped out of me. I phone the gynae and ask him to prescribe some pain meds. I decide that its best for me to go to work as I cannot bear to be by myself with my own thoughts. I need to be around people where I can feel "normal" again. My body feels empty and in my mind my baby is gone. Although the bleeding (tmi) has not started yet, in my mind its over. I continue experiencing this pulling sensation and all I can think about is that the baby is detaching itself from my womb. With every pull it slowly loosens itself bit by bit. The pain continues and the bleeding starts. By Thursday I can no longer bear the pain having left work early. A hot bottle does nothing to help and I phone a friend and ask her to bring me something stronger.

Four days later I see the gynae and have bled for 6 days with no sign of it letting up. He says that it is necessary for a D & C in order for the bleeding to stop.

Three days later I go into hospital for a small procedure known as an evac (similar to a D & C). Any remains of the baby is removed. I am told bleeding should stop in a couple of days.

The next morning I wake up with severe pain and run for my pain meds. I phone my gynae and am told that it is normal. The pain continues for the entire weekend and my birthday on Saturday 12 July goes by in a blur.

Monday morning I phone the gynae and tell him I cannot take the pain. I am due to see him in three days (a week since my procedure was performed).

Thursday, one week after the Evac he tells me that I have infection hence the pain. I am given pain meds and antibiotics and probiotics. I am confident that I am on the mend.

In the interim I decided to see a psychologist to help me deal with my loss. She says that the pain I am experiencing is in actual fact my body "crying" and I need to do something to help it heal. I decided to plant a rose bush. But before I peform this "cleansing ceremony" I bury a pair of baby socks together with the date my baby was due - 21 February. I cry whilst I do this and in a way I feel better. I have finally expressed my emotions as initially I tried to block it from my mind.

I am consoled by the fact that my baby is not on his or her own as they are in Heaven and will be comforted by my mom.

Is it over?

Tuesday, 24 June I started experiencing terrible cramps but was not overly worried as I was told that my ovaries were the size of oranges and would be painful. I did check with the gynae and was assured that this was normal. But by late afternoon I was feeling terrible and very uncomfortable.

I left work early and drank 2 panados and climbed into bed. Fortunately, my one friend was off that day and I smsed her to tell her how I was feeling. Her sister had also been pregnant before and she explained to her sister the pains that I was having. It was okay for a while but then I felt that it was not getting better only worse. I phoned my friend and asked her to take me to hospital.

I arrived at emergency and was seen by the doctor on duty. I described the pains to him and he asked if there was any bleeding (sorry TMI). I said no. He requested a urine sample. I walked to the bathroom and without going into too much detail, stared at the toilet paper in front of me - it was red. I immediately started crying knowing that it was over. I walked out and told him. He said he would phone my gynae. My gynae said that I needed to be admitted and put on bed rest.

My friend went home to pack my stuff and I was sent to a ward. The following day the gynae did blood tests and a scan and the baby was fine. I was discharged the following day and booked off for a week.

Friday afternoon a friend pops in to see me and I excuse myself to go to the bathroom. I look down and there it is again, blood. I scream and start crying believing that this really is the end. Its pack a bag and back to hospital. I am admitted and prescribed Uterogestan to help with the implantation of the embryo.

On Saturday morning the gynae on duty does a scan and tells me that he is not happy with what he sees. For a sex week foetus the baby should have been more developed at this stage. He is worried that the baby is not growing properly and prescribes blood tests (Beta HCG) to see if my count is increasing. I am terribly worried and just want to cry. The afternoon my blood tests come back and I speak to the nurse / Sister and she says "they are fine as your count is increasing that is all that matters". Yay, everyone is fine. Or is it?

Sunday more blood tests and yay the count is increasing. Mommy to-be is happy but should she be?

Monday, I ask who is coming to see me my gynae or the one that had seen me the entire weekend. The Sister says she will find out for me. They phone to my gynae's rooms and he is oblivious to the fact that I am in hospital. No-one informed him!!!

I am wheeled up to his rooms on the fourth floor and dont know what I must feel. I climb onto the table and he proceeds to scan. At this stage I am six weeks pregnant and should hear a heart beat. He puts on the sound and this is what I hear, doof - doof, doof-doof, eiek, eiek. It sounds like someone is in distress. The someone is my baby and its bust dying. He tells me I am sorry my girl but your baby is busy aborting itself. The sound I heard was the heartbeat of a baby in distress. My baby was slowing dying. All the blood tests were wrong. My count had been increasing but not at the rate it should have been. I cry and dont know what to do. He tells me to stop with the Uterogestan and prescribes meds so that the foetus can detach itself from my womb and come out of my body. He assures me that I will start to bleed in two days time.

I am wheeled back to my ward where two friends wait for me. I pack and in a daze I leave hospital and go home. My body has let me down and it already starts to feel empty.

And???

Monday, 16 June 2008 and I am off to the pathologists to repeat the blood test. And now the wait begins.

At this stage I have programmed my gynaes number into my phone so as soon as it rings, his name registers on my caller ID. This is it. Finally, the moment has arrived.

I answer the phone and he identifies himself. He says congratulations my girl, you are pregnant!!! Oh my word, I am speechless. I thank him and he tells me to make an appointment as he wants to see me in two days time.

I immediately start smsing everyone. Fortunately, all my friends knew about my attempt to become a single parent and were all elated with my good news.

How do pregnant women act? Was I supposed to do something differently? Did I look different?

The rest of the day went by in a blur and I was on cloud 9. Wow, first AI and I was pregnant.

Two days later I went to see my gynae and he confirmed a healthy sac. I was offically 4 weeks and 4 days pregnant and pregnant with one baby. I had very large ovaries (the size of oranges) due to the fact hat they were overstimulated with the fertility meds. But none the less, I was pregnant.

The feeling of floating on a cloud continues and I come to terms with my pregnancy but my joy was shortlived when the following week I started to experiencing cramping, something any pregnant woman fears.

2ww

In fertility lingo the 2ww stands for two weeks wait. Its pure agony. Does 14 days , 336 hours, 20 160 minutes or 1 209 600 seconds which ever way you look at it, take so long to pass? Normally not, but when you are anxiously waiting it surprisingly takes forever. But with the wait comes worry. What is that little twinge, what's happening inside my body? Do my boobs look bigger? Is my stomach bigger or is it bloated? Oh no, is the bloating not a side effect of the dreaded AF? I am hungry? Should I be? Is it a craving? These are just some of the 100 or so more questions that 2ww'ers ask themselves. As it gets closer to the two weeks you start getting anxious and you start to worry. What if I am not pregnant? Can I handle the let down?

The worst time possibly was the 2ww. I agonised during this period. What if? There is a little baby growing inside of me or what if I was not pregnant?

Well somehow I managed to get through the two weeks and before I knew it it was D-Day. Day of testing. I went to the hospital to get the prescribed form instructing me to have the Beta HCG (Human Chorionic Gonadotropin) test, in laymans terms - a pregnancy test. If conception took place, then the new fetus would release the appropriate hormones which would be picked up in the blood tests. The count continues to rise, doubling and even tripling as the pregnancy progresses in the first few weeks.

I got to the hospital bright and early on Friday, 13 June and went to my gynae to collect the form. And then the wait. I had to wait for the pathologists to open at 8:30. It was 7:30am.

Finally, they opened and they took a tube of my 0+ blood for analysis. I was told to phone the gynae in four hours time. So back to work. Somehow the hours passed all too slowly until finally four hours had passed and I was beside myself. I knew that the gynae would phone on my cell phone and I anxiously checked to see that it was working. Eventually the wait became to unbearable and I phoned.

The doctor's receptionist answered the phone and calmly I enquired as to whether my test results had come in yet. She asked me to hold and with my heart beating in my throat, I gribbed the phone. This was it. My life could change in the next few seconds.

Then I heard her. I waited. She said it looked like I was pregnant but I would need to repeat the test on the Monday to see if my count had increased.

WTF? Hello, am I pregnant or not? Flip, more waiting...

Pink sperm?

Yesterday my internet was down so no blogging for me.

So back to the story.

Thursday, 29 May and I can hardly wait I am so excited and so scared.

My friend agrees to meet me at the hospital and together we walk to the fertility clinic to collect my sperm. We share a quick hug in the passage as we realise this is it for me.

I enter the clinic but my sperm is not ready. We sit down and wait. Two other couples are also there. My friend is married with two kids and you should have seen the looks we got from the FS when he walked in. Must have thought we were the happy couple.

Anyway the next minute I am called and the Sister passes me a piece of paper ( the number of spermies per ml and they spead at which they are swimming, all vital info for the gynae) and a test tube with some pink liquid in it. The sperm. Gee, I did not know sperm came in different colours? Its pink and thin, almost see through. Sorry, TMI.

I am told to keep it warm and they suggest putting between my boobs (TMI).

My friend, who loves photos, suggests taking some pics. For my scrapbook one day. Hey, not a genie in a bottle but a man in the bottle.

We enter the lift which takes us to the fourth floor.

Its 8:30am. My gynae is waitin for me and asks my friend to wait for me in the reception room. I am taken to one of his rooms where I am told to underess and put on one of the gowns waiting for me. This is it.

He enters the room and I am told to spread my legs. So this is what it is like? And not even 5 secs and its over. Where was my fun bit? Was he so quick (LOL)?

He leaves the room after closing my legs for me. My friend comes in and she hugs me. I am told to wait 10 min. My gynae comes back and tells me I can get dressed. So soon, I ask. What if some of my stuff runs out? He assures me that there were millions and the ones that escape are of no significant use. Gee, I think, I paid for these little tadpoles I want my money's worth. No legs in the air for me. I am almost too scared to walk. It just feels like they could fall out or something.

I am told to come back tomorrow as the procedure will be repeated again.

I ask another friend to come and sit with me and the procedure is the same as before.

After my insemination, the gynae says I must come back in two weeks so that I can have a blood test to see if I am pregnant.

So all that is left for me, is happy waiting. May the best sperm win!

Lets get pregnant

10 April 2007

The meeting with FS goes well. I tell him I am ready I want to have a baby. He advises me that I have not been immunized against Rubella and need to do so first.

Thereafter I need to wait six weeks till Aunt Flow arrives. On the first day that I start, I must phone him so that he can prescribe the fertility drugs.

I leave his office very happy as I am so close. I can finally tell people that I am trying to fall pregnant. I have often wondered why they say fall pregnant? Where did the expression come from? I also need to choose my sperm.

I go to the sperm bank and meet M - she sits me down and describes the process. She asks me what I am looking for in a man. I tell her that he must be tall. Mmm, she says that eliminates PE guys. So we move onto the spreadsheet of Cape Town and JHB canidates.

She highlights the tall men. Hair colour, eye colour, weight etc are all factors to consider. And then I notice him. The only blonde haired and blue eyed man. Number 3041. The father of my unborn child. Its perfect. I am blonde and wanted my child to match me as best as possible. M advises me that I also need to keep her informed when AF arrives as she needs to order my spermies.

The weeks cannot go past fast enough and finally there she is AF. Yay!!! The date: 19 May 2008

I phone the FS and he tells me to come and collect my meds. I am prescribed Clomid and Meonpur shots. I google reading about all the side effects of the meds and one of the side effects is multile births. But I need the meds in order to stimulate the production of more eggs. The more eggs the better my chances of falling pregnant - that the one spermie meets one egg.
I drink Clomid on days 3, 4, 5, 6 & 7 and have the Menopur shots on days 5, 7 & 9. The Sister at the fertility clinic shows me how to administer the injections which I need to inject into my stomach.

I am now referred to the gynae that will do my insemination. I meet him for the first time and he asks me if I am ready. I tell him yes and he advises me when I need to come back for a scan so that he can monitor to see the number of follicles I have produced.

The days stretch by. Bt eventually I am by day 7 and soon its day 10 26 May time to check on the follies.

I am so disappointed. My follicles are not big enough. The gynae orders more blood tests and I am told to come back the next day.

I leave with a heavy heart and start crying. I am so upset by the time I get back to work. If my follicles do not grow overnight, we will halt the process and start again the following month. All I can think of is that I want to at least have a shot at being able to fall pregnant. Is my body letting me down?

I tell a friend of mine and she "speaks" to my follicles telling them that they need to grow. I try visualisation techniques.

The next day I am back at the gynae and my follicles have grown.

The next day, day 12, I will be induced and ovulation will be brought on.

Well the injection was painful but the after effects was awful. I have never been a sufferer of PMS - okay so I have mood swings, but show me the women that doesnt?

The pain is unbearable so much so that I have to drink painkillers. Whippee, Panados (the safest medication and only meds a preggie lady can use).

But its all part of the process.

The gynae advises me that I wil be inseminated tomorrow (day 13) as well as on day 14.

At this stage I have advised M at the sperm bank to order my sperm. I immediately tell her that insemination will be on day 13 and my sperm will be "washed" in the morning, a process which takes an hour.

My best friend at the time would come along with me and be there when I was inseminated. I could hardly wait.

I know I am dragging this out

Okay, so I am probably irritating so many of you by dragging out my story but hopefully it makes for an interesting read and you will keep coming back to read more. Wishful thinking but hey a girl can dream.

I will make this part quick.

27 August 2007

I go back to FS and ask him whats the next step. He tells me that I need to come back when I am ready and that I can proceed. Yay. He also informed me that he would not do my AI and would refer me to someone else. The joys of being single.

It seems that some FS have a problem inseminating single women.

Life continues and when I look again 2007 is something of the past and welcome 2008!

So I am still man hunting and what do you know, another blind date. I get set up again and once again agree cause you never know, this might be IT. He could be the one.

Okay so this is why I hate blind dates:

1. You feel almost compelled to like the person cause you want to make the person that set you up happy
2. You have to make an effort to look nice as you only get one change to make a first impression - so no spinach in your teeth
3. You need to have some topics on hand so that when that awkward silence threatens to make its entry, and boy will it, you dont have to resort to talking about the weather
4. How long do you have to give yourself before it wont appear to be rude to excuse yourself

Anyway, I did my bit. I made an effort and agreed to a second and also a third date so that I could get to know if better and give him a chance. But after three dates, no spark, no chemistry, ditto.

And life goes on...

By April I am fed up and decide to move the goal posts. But instead of extending my year, I choose to shorten the time period. I make an appointment with the FS for 10 April. I am ready.

I want to get pregnant... I want a baby...

Where were we?

Oh yes, the appointment with the psychologist.

Another step in the right direction. My appointment was set for 20 June 2007.

what can I say, I was nervous and at the same time excited, scared, petrified, worried and so the list continues. I felt them all. More than anything in the world I needed this one woman to give me her stamp of approval for motherhood.

I could proceed against her better judgement. There are many ways to catch a man. But you see, that was not the route that I wanted to follow. I did not just want any man. He had to be special in every way. Afterall, he was going to be the "father" of my children. Their physical appearence, emotional and intellectual intelligence would be determined partly by him.

20 questions???

No, more than 20, lots. I wont call her by her name so for future reference I will refer to her as Ms "L". Ms L was wonderful and immediately made me feel comfortable. She asked me why I wanted to become a mom and I told her about my dreams and aspirations and my losses along the way. My losses are not only the fact that I lost my mom to cancer but also that I had lost and would be giving up on finding "Mr Right" for now. He could come later when I had my children but age was creeping up on me and my clock was ticking. A woman's fertility declines after the age of 35. Her quality off eggs also weaken. Age is not a good thing. Well okay perhaps it brings wisdom.

Ms L was lovely and made me feel comfortable. She understood as she herself had struggled with infertility but today is also a proud mom.

At the end of our session she told me that I would need to undergo psychometric tests before she could do her final assessment and prepare a report for the FS.

Monday, 9 July 2007 (3 days before my birthday)
Lots of questions but all appropriate I suppose.

The same night Ms L phones me to tell me that my results were good (no, I am not a pschopath and I do not hear voices). She is happy to approve me mentally for being a single mom. Yay!!! She will send through a report to the FS.

Another step in the right direction - another step closer to being a mommy.

And so the story continues

Having made my appointment with the FS, all that was left, was count the days till the day arrived.

D-Day ... 8 June 2007

I met with the FS and told him, "I want to become a mom". I am not married I told him and felt that my clock was ticking. In a little than a month I would turn 33. How much time did I have?

I wanted to know the process and how it worked. He informed me that he would refer me to another gynae who would perform the insemination using donor sperm which I could obtain from the sperm bank. I would undergo an examination and he would require a full medical history. I would also need to undergo a psychological examination to see if I was mentally prepared for the challenges that awaited me as a single parent.

I told him that I was not ready to do it yet and wanted to wait a year. No problem. I could come back when I was ready. I also needed to go for blood tests to see if I had been immunised against Rubella (German Measles).

I would be artifically inseminated (AI) using the sperm that I had chosen.

He said that the psychologist would send him the evaluation and he would obtain my blood test results.

When I left his office, the receptionist made my appointment with the psychologist who specialised in assiting people who had fertility problems, adoption, surrogacy, etc. My appointment was made for 20 June. Less than 2 weeks away. I was making progress in my quest to become a mom. It was exciting and I felt wonderful. I was preparing to fall pregnant.

YAY!!! WEIGH-IN

I am consulting with a dietician in the hopes of getting a sexy, slim figure. I want to look like Angelina Jolie, okay, in my dreams. Down 5kg's since my last weigh-in a month ago.

Feeling great and am wearing clothes I have not worn for 4 years.

Am determined to look like a yummy mummy. Only another 7 kilos till goal but will probably adjust it in the hopes of losing some more weight.

Okay so back to basics.

So with my clock ticking so loud in my ears that I could not sleep I decided to pursue my lifelong dream of becoming a mommy.

I searched the Internet, and contacted a fertility clinic in Cape Town where a FS (Fertility Specialist) suggested I contact the local clinic in PE. I yanked out the phone book and made my appointment.

I had taken the first step of becoming a mom.

SECOND DAY AS A BLOGGER - TIME TO REVEAL MYSELF

Okay, so today is officially my second day as a blogger. I thought blogging was supposed to be fun. I was so frustrated learning the ropes of setting up my page and navigating my way around blogland. But thanks to a dear friend, she helped get me started.

How did my journey start?

Once upon a time there was a beautiful, very skinny, blonde 25-year old woman who married her Prince Charming. They bought a beautiful house with a picket fence in a middle class suburb and added a dog and a cat to their family. At 27 she had her first born, a gorgeous son. At 29 they had a beautiful little girl who was the splitting image of her mom.

By the age of 30 her family was complete and she and her family lived happily ever after...

THE END

That was the fairy tale I had always imagined. When I was growing up I also dreamt of meeting "Mr Right" but met lots of "Mr Wrongs" instead. So the image I had painted in my mind, disappeared rapidly and instead I found myself 32, still single and on my own. I am an only child and had recently lost my mom to terminal cancer, my dad, well our relationship was non -existent.

I had always dreamt of having a child(ren). As my biological clock ticked, getting louder with each passing year, so my yearning and desperation began. I needed a husband and fast. So I found myself in supermarkets, shopping centres and during the course of my work looking at men's hands for that band around his finger which branded him as a married man and hence belonging to someone else.

Blind dates, braaii's, parties was my hunting ground until one day, a friend suggested having a baby on my own!!!

This I had not considered. So began my journey to become a single mom.

Who am I?

Wow, I am a Blogger.

Who am I?

I am a 35 year - old single mom of a pigeon-pair set of twins. They are 10 weeks old today. Yey!!! They went for their 10 week injections and both babas handled it well. Mommy wanted to cry but managed to contain herself, a bit. Its amazing that when your baby cries you immediately feel his or her pain. Mother instinct kicks in and you want to protect your
child(ren).

In my next post I will reveal a bit more of myself.