Hospital stay

Its normal for any c-section mom to remain in hospital for three nights and no longer unless their are complications. Fortunately for me I have no complications which means I will go home after 3 nights.

The day after my op I start to feel down. The phone calls although they are still streaming in, begin to slow down as do the smses as most people heard about the good news the day before. Visitors come slightly disappointed as they cannot see the babies. Strange but true when you are pregnant everyone worries about you afterwards, its the baby they want to see and mommy moves out of the spot light. Forget that you have had your stomach split open with your insides thrown on the table like a piece of meat at the butchers but hey your job is done.

I starting feeling very down but am told that this is normal to get the "baby blues". Your hormones are just so mixed up and in a few days you will be just fine. I believe everyone. It does not help that the rain is pelting down and the visitors dont want to paddle to the hospital. "You dont mind if we dont come do you?" No, of course not. I love lying in a hospital bed with no babies around me and being all alone. I love listening to someone elses baby screaming day and night behind the curtain that divides me from my "neighbour". I love not sleeping because this baby is been breastfed and loves its mommies boobies so much. I love all of this can no-one see that I am so happy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My routine is simple. Wake up at 5:30 drink my cup of coffee and one rusk courtesy of the hospital's catering service. Shower, go and see my babies to chat to the paed. Walk back from NICU, into bed for breakfast. If visitor arrives they come after about an hour, back to the NICU before lunch. After lunch NICU then back in case any visitors should feel they will brave the weather to come and see me and only me. After visiting hours lie in bed and watch TV before supper then back to NICU. Its very depressing going to the NICU and yes you should be happy to see your babies but there is always the what if? The paed has picked up something wrong. What if they are not gaining weight but loosing weight. What if, they dont drink properly through a tiny tube so thin that you could swallow it without any difficulty. What if they die??? Okay so no-one has mentioned dying but leave any woman alone with her own thoughts it can be scary.

Thursday arrives and my mood is no better than the weather outside. I am given regular updates and told "you are so lucky to be in hospital. You dont want to be outside". WTF I dont want to be lying in a bed all by myself worrying about the wellbeing of my babies?

I cry all day. Every person that sees me be it the Sister, nurse or my gynae walks in on me crying. I am miserable and nothing anyone says can make me feel better. What I do know is that I will be going home without Wade and Erin with all the stuf that I had so carefully packed for them to a house with an empty nursery. I cannot bear this. Its too much and I dont sleep a wink that evening.