You must be kidding me?

The night before my first official scan I am excited and nervous - this is it. I have already come further than with my previous pregnancy and all I want to hear is a healthy heartbeat. I clearly remember the heartbeat of my previous baby, that of a baby in distress.

The Friday morning I wake up and a wave of nausea hits me. Oh flip. Morning Sickness. Already this pregnancy is so much different. I drive to hospital where my friend waits for me. We ride up in the lift to the fourth floor.

I leave her in the waiting room and go through to my gynae's surgery where I wait anxiously on the bed. My first official scan. My first question to him is "has the baby grown?" He asks me if I want to hear the good news. What good news I think? Ha. He points to the screen and instead of one pregnancy sac, there are two!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I dont believe it. Twins!!! Two healthy heartbeats. Its a definite. I am in shock. The gynae says "congratulations" and my immediate reaction is to nod. What more can I say? Twins is not part of my plan. Two babies. I wanted one!!! What was God thinking? Did he get my order wrong? Oh my gosh! How am I going to cope? Financially I am only cut out for one baby not two. What now?

I leave his office not on a cloud 9 but in an almost catatonic state. My friend says she cannot believe it. What now Jo she asks me. I say to her I dont know.

The weekend goes past in a haze and I carry on in auto pilot. I am not happy. This is not what I wanted. Am I so wrong to feel this way? Where is my pretty picture with me pushing my one baby around the shops. Me and my little girlie-girl sitting opposite each other in a coffee shop? Me with my cup of coffee in front of me and her with her pink milkshake? All of a sudden I have a different picture in front of me. Me broke, with two babies crying and standing on the side of the road.

Unfortunately, from that moment I switch off and I almost forget that I am carrying two. I carry on as per normal and am pregnant in my mind but with one baby. Big mistake. This all comes back later to haunt me in a terrible way.