The journey

The weekend goes by and I remain in a state of shock. I cannot believe it but at the same time I should believe it. My first pregnancy would have been twins so why is this a shock to me? I try reasoning with myself telling myself it will be okay. But will it? I just dont know how?

Morning sickness kicks in and its terrible. Nothing prepared me for it. So it switches to evening sickness and I find myself going to bed around 7:30pm as a) I am exhausted but b) the yucky feeling just wont go away. Fruit seems to be the only thing that I can keep down and it becomes my new supper.

On Christmas Day I break my news. People are thrilled when I tell them I am pregnant but shocked and surprised when I say twins. Their immediate reaction is always "you are so
brave". I somehow think they are missing the plot. I did not choose twins. I only wanted one baby. Hello!!!! I walked down the aisle in Pick 'n Pay reach up to the top shelf and pick one baby boy and one baby girl. I dont think so. What dont these people understand. I did not choose this. God decided for me. I try reasoning with myself, almost willing it to be okay. Positive affirmations. But it does not work. Days roll into weeks. Before I know it its 13 weeks time for my Downs scan. I am nervous because it thought its twins I want them to be healthy. They are and one baby is a boy. Oh flip, I think. What if I have two boys? How will I cope as a single woman. My poor sons wont have a father. Oh please God let the other baby be a girl.

The 16 week scan and my gynae suspects its a girl but cannot be 100%. I will need to wait for the 20 week foetal assessment scan. Gee, more waiting. But before I know it its 20 weeks and its a girl!!!

Yay, at least I have a pigeon pair not that it matters I tell myself. As long as they are healthy. But I still have not excepted that it is twins and as I share my news I say it not fully comprehending what the implications of twins really are. I carry small and people are surprised that there are two babies inside my tummy.

Some days I can handle the idea of twins other days not and deep down I want to cry. I never tell anyone about my fears because everyone knew how desperate I wanted a baby. To admit that I am not thrilled as everyone expects me to be would be terrible. I should be happy. Its a blessing I am told. But internally I am crying. How will I cope financially, emotionally, mentally. I have a two bedroomed townhouse, a two-door car and no facilities for domestic help. Initially I believed I would cope with two babies on my own at night but then I realised it would not be so easy. I would have to have a live-in nanny. More expensive. It is a terrible thing to admit but all I could see was dollar signs. I wanted the best for my children when I used to dream about becoming a parent, as we all do I am sure. Private schools. Only the best. But now, its what I can afford that matters. This was not the picture I had painted. Where did it go wrong?

I suffer from depression and hence the reason I should have gotten help during my pregnancy. I had come off my meds in order to fall pregnant. Looking back my depression was slowly starting and the overwhelming negative thoughts that I was experencing was me slowly spiralling into the pit of depression. I was miserable instead of being happy. At 20 weeks my feet started to swell. It was terrible as I struggled to walk. Eventually I got used to it but around 30 weeks I started waddling. Not because of the weight but due to the fact that my son was pressing into my pelvis area.

Four days before I was due to have my c-section I remember phoning my friend crying saying I could not go through with this anymore. A bit late, my friend she said. I dont think I can do this anymore. I dont want to go through with it. Sorry my friend, she said. Its too late!!!

The night before my c-section I was happy, excited but on the morning of the birth I was sad but for two reasons. One it was time for reality and good-bye to my singlehood and two my mom would not be here to share my joyous experience.

The count down had started.